Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
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My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
How to wake up a Beagle
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.