Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
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[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.