[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
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Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
For the ones in the back.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
this is the best interaction on twitter
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.