[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
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just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.