Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
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Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Buck naked
Welcome to the stomach
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”