[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
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Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
I love the National Park Service.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”