Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
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JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Lmbo
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.