Auto correct is my worst enema.
You Might Also Like
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Well, this is awkward
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
I see your IQ test came back negative
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”