they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
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Sounds about right. 😂🤣
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.