Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
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Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling