Autocannibalism is self-serving.
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triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.