Autocannibalism is self-serving.
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Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life