Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
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in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*