Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
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[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Bro what is this
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way