Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
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This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
I ate everything, including the H.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.