@joeyfullystated: Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I'm sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
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@illiter8too: SALESWOMAN: (looking alarmed) Well, yes, I guess, technically the dress fits. ME: (limbs and face turning purple) Can you believe this? I’ve never been a size zero!
@Home_Halfway: Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would've been if he'd eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
@TheRolo: "Dad this is serious I'm in jail" Hi serious this is dad "Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!" HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
@stephenjmolloy: Me: "I keep looking for love in all the wrong places." *later at the abandoned mine* Me: "Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!"