Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
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WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
*orders delivery*
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER