@joeyfullystated: Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I'm sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
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@fart: the bad guy ships on star trek werent actually "cloaking" they just turned all their lights off
@MarkAgee: People are shitting on gorilla kid's mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could've run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
@TheBoydP: I’m not saying I’m a great dad, I’m just saying it’s a holiday weekend and I’m wearing cargo shorts with a Hawaiian shirt…
@iwearaonesie: If you start smacking people with your wife's purse she won't ask you to hold it for her anymore