my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
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When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.