Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
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God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Me, reading some of your tweets
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
It be like that sometimes 😆
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired