@WickedCynic: Autocorrect changed "meeting" to "mating" and now my boss and I aren't meeting with Bob after work.
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@AimeeHelene1: "It's the holidays" *eats a pizza* "It's the holidays" *eats 3 cheeseburgers* "It's the holidays" *eats my food, your food & a small baby*
@jazmasta: Drugs are never the answer kids. Unless the question is "why have you been checking under the carpet for lizards for 3 days straight?"
@KentWGraham: A woman saying "I'm not mad at you" is like a dentist saying "You won’t feel a thing."
@Thynebear: [phone w/ fiancé] Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right? "As long as its black, why?" *wearing batsuit* No reason