Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
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Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
They did not miss in the small print
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
do u think theres a butter planet?
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.