@PinkCamoTO: Autocorrect changed "you flatter me" to "you flatten me" and shit just got really weird.
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@KateWhineHall: My sister had a baby today. I think I've used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
@Smethanie: Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one's ever said "because it's my ex's Twitter handle" before.
@ActualPerson084: FIRMS YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF OFFERING SERVICES YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND AT PRICES THEY REFUSE TO DISCUSS.
@Token_Geezer: Why did he do that? Who is she? What does that mean? When did that happen? Why? How? I need to go to the toilet. - Child, at the cinema