Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
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And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
apparently this year was written by stephen king
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.