Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
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First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.