interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
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‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.