@david8hughes: [at the aquarium] Son [pointing at a large tank]: daddy what's that Me: tank Son: no what lives in the tank Me: water

@trojansauce: [getting a haircut] BARBER: anything else? ME: cut me BARBER: what? no ME: like sweeney todd BARBER: i'm no- ME:make me into a pie

@MichaelTKennedy: "Johnny Depp looks good in that outfit!" "That's Diane Keaton."

@InternetHippo: Health care reform is a tough sell politically. How do you campaign against health insurance companies, whom everyone loves

@GrantTanaka: [yelp review] Chernobyl, 1/5 stars weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes