Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
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Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
I’m about to risk it all
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop