@aparnapkin: What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it's 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.

@GreenishDuck: Next time you're having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they're trying to do a push-up.

@juanadog: Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?

@beefman138: Me : Here, I made you a 'Best Hits of 2017' CD. Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R. Me : Correct.

@Thedudish: Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God's cat jumped on the keyboard.