Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
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gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Love is always patient and kind.
beware of dog
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?