AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
You Might Also Like
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Realize this: