AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
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wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
When your man makes a valid point
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry