AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
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Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva