AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
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I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Meow
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.