Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
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relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush