Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
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Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.