Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
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Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.