Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
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Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Seems a bit forward
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”