Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
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When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?