Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
You Might Also Like
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.