(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
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I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no