that lip filler tho
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[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]