Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
You Might Also Like
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Haha! 😂
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer