This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
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“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes