Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
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You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.