Are we there yet?…
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[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.