[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
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Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.