[Award Speech] Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there. *I kiss my hand and point to the sky* The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

@Rollinintheseat: Interviewer: "What's your greatest strength?" *45 minutes later* Me: "I'm very comfortable with silence."

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@FattMernandez: Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.

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@P_o_n_k: BURGLAR: Look at all these pizza boxes. He must eat it every day. ME (hiding in closet): Yeah, or maybe he threw a cool party with friends.

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@KalvinMacleod: *hires skywriter Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?

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@jergarl: Wife: Do you hear that super annoying sound? Me: No, what is it? *holds breath so I can hear better* Wife: Oh thank God, it stopped.

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