I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
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If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Don’t talk down to me
watergate? u mean a dam??
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Taking phone security to the next level.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs