Awesome parenting 😂
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Friday night party time 🥳
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.