“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
You Might Also Like
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Death certificates are our last participation award.
thanks auntie mary
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science