Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
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I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?