real
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ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.