@brianbowman73: Her: How would you describe that green sheep? Me: I don't know. Olive ewe? Her: I knew you'd say it first! I love you too! Entrapment 101

@lurve_meh: They say kill 'em with kindness but it's much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.

@jctwritesstuff: *watching The Revenant* *rewind* *play* *rewind* *play* *rewind* *play* Him: What are you doing? Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.

@RexHuppke: God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I'm a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.

@thestlouisan: My grandpa slept in snow in the Battle of the Bulge & I'm considering throwing out this cup of water bc it has some tiny floaty things in it