“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
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My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
My dating profile:
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?