Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
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turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
my mind
You just read my mind
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.