Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
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barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
kids play hide and seek like
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
hmm conte-me mais
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die